You’re old enough to know by now that most of what people put in personal ads is a lie. And although you may have had the code all figured out when you were younger, carbon daters (those 40+) use a whole new set of fabrications. Here is a handy guide to interpreting carbon dating personal ads:
• Adventurous (man) – I like sex outside, but only if it’s not raining and my trick knee from an old football/cheerleading injury isn’t flaring up.
• Adventurous (woman) – Willing to try new restaurants within a three-mile radius of my house.
• Attractive (man) – For a bald guy.
• Attractive (woman) – I wear support undergarments even to bed.
• Bachelor – My mom just died and left me her house.
• Divorced (man) – Still married, but I’m planning to leave as soon as the Rogaine starts to work.
• Divorced (woman) – For the third time. Or is it the fourth?
• Down-to-earth (man) – I let people walk all over me.
• Down-to-earth (woman) – I no longer shave anything.
• Emotionally available (man) – My last lover just left when she discovered I had a Britney Spears page saver on my computer.
• Emotionally available (woman) – My therapist says I’m very emotional.
• Energetic (man) – Horny.
• Energetic (woman) – I take a lot of vitamins
• Feisty (man) – I like to argue with the reporters on CNN and Fox News.
• Feisty (woman) – Horny.
• Financially independent (man) – I have enough money to afford to date younger women exclusively. Don’t even think about answering this ad unless you still get carded in bars.
• Financially independent (woman) – I can pay for the check myself, but usually don’t.
• Fit (man) – I fit into relaxed jeans
• Fit (woman) – Hey, I’ve had three kids and this is as fit as it gets.
• Former athlete – I drink. A lot.
• Friends first (man) – Will require a prenup before allowing you to leave a toothbrush at my place.
• Friends first (woman) – Will require a thorough background check, medical examination, and three letters of reference before sex.
• Gentleman – I’ll hold the door open for you if you don’t hit me for it
• Good conversationalist (man) – I love to talk about myself.
• Good conversationalist (woman) – I complain about my ex a lot.
• Good personality – Well, one of them is.
• Great sense of humor (man) – I still think fart jokes are a scream and expect you to laugh when I tell them over and over in front of your boss and other people you’re trying to impress.
• Great sense of humor (woman) – I laugh on the inside so I don’t ruin those Botox injections.
• Height/weight proportionate – To the amount of food I eat and how little exercise I get.
• Kinky – I need a good massage.
• Loves to travel – I bore easily.
• LTR (man) – I need someone to help me raise my kids.
• LTR (woman) – My tub needs caulking .
• Open-minded (man) – I am not too old to try something kinky as long as it doesn’t throw my back out.
• Open-minded (woman) – I’m thinking about becoming a lesbian.
• Outgoing (man) – I like to stray.
• Outgoing (woman) – Finally got over my agoraphobia.
• Passionate (man) – Horny.
• Passionate (woman) – I have a lot of hobbies to keep me from thinking about sex.
• Playful – No one’s been able to make me grow up yet, so don’t think you’re going to be the one.
• Quiet evenings at home (man) – I have digital satellite and watch games 24/7.
• Quiet evenings at home (woman) – It takes too long to get gussied up at my age.
• Retired (man) – I’ve got very little money and plenty of time to hang around irritating you.
• Retired (woman) – I quit caring about how I look now that I don’t get paid to do so.
• Wanted “lady” – Want someone to wait on me and worship the ground I walk on, i.e., I’m delusional.
• Well educated – I’ll correct your grammar during dinner.
Okay, now let’s practice writing some ads. Use the following examples to get you started:
You are a 47-year old woman with two grown kids. You sell Amway and enjoys spying on your neighbors and flirting with the Fed Ex man. You are looking for a man who is handy.
Youthful self-employed woman who enjoys keeping up on world events. I am sensuous, fit, and feisty. ISO LTR with man who enjoys getting wet.
You are a 52-year old guy who just broke up with your younger girlfriend because she couldn’t stand your pot belly and the fact that you and never want to try anything new. You love watching sports on TV and drinking beer. You’re looking for another woman half your age to fetch your beer and change the batteries on your remote when it goes out.
Well-rounded man, emotionally available, former athlete with television aspirations. ISO of girl of my dreams with a great sense of humor and lots of energy.
Okay, now try writing your own ad!