Boy, Do I Send the Wrong Signals

As a humor writer, I do a lot of “research.” Sometimes I need to know Lady Gaga’s shoe size and other times I want to be sure I spelled Dominique Strauss-Kahn correctly. Thank you Google!

Yesterday, in my never-ending quest for knowledge I found a website called How To Know If A Girl Is Interested In You. So I decided to check it out.

A little backstory may be necessary here. You see, I swore off dating and relationships soon after my latest divorce two years ago. It’s just so much easier to go to the airport and get patted down. Especially now that they’re so thorough and even the first time with a new TSA agent is like a third date.

Dating is difficult at my age. If I date anyone younger, I’m called a cougar, which annoys me. I prefer “puma,” it sounds faster and thinner. But men my age seem to want either a college cheerleader type for arm candy or a woman their own age who is willing to be their companion as they move into their senior years. And I’m just not ready to put that cheerleader outfit on again.

But for some reason, I put out signals that say I’m interested. I’m not sure what those signals are because I’ve avoided all the tricks I used when I was looking for a man. I don’t bat my eyelashes (primarily because there are so few of them), lick my lips (my organic free-range lip gloss is too expensive to waste), twirl my hair, put my hand on a man’s arm or knee, or wear a sandwich sign that says, “Take me home and have your way with me.”

I thought maybe the website could show me what I’ve been doing that tells guys I’m into them. And am I glad I did!  Here are some of the things I’ve been doing that according to the website’s author are signals that a girl is interested. I share this with you as a public service, in case you too have been sending the wrong signals without knowing it.

A girl is interested in you when…

1. She re-initiates conversation when you stop talking. Oh, I’m so busted! I always jump right in and hold up my end of a conversation because I find long uncomfortable silence, well, uncomfortable. I’d rather wear thong panties than sit quietly waiting for anyone to find a new topic to discuss.

2. She doesn’t mention her boyfriend. Usually I avoid doing this because I can never remember who the last TSA agent to pat me down was. It’s more of a memory issue than keeping him (or her) a secret.

3. She asks for your name. Really? Damn my southern upbringing. I was taught it was polite to not only ask for someone’s name, but to repeat it until you remembered. Well, I’m going to stop this behavior pronto!

4. She uses nicknames for you. Well see, that’s what I have to resort to when I don’t know your name, Skippy. Which is why #3 is going to be hard for me to give up if I also have to give up #4.

5. Her skin tone becomes red while being around you. Hey, that’s not fair. I  blush easily and turn red when drunk, aerobic, or laughing. And I’m usually at least one of those things most of the time.

6. She laughs while talking to you. Okay, this is a problem. I laugh while talking to anyone, including myself — and I’m not that interested in myself.

7. She exposes the palms of her hands. Usually I only do this when I’m confused or asking for money, so I think I’m safe here.

8. She rubs her chin or touches her cheek. This should not apply to middle-aged women because we could be checking to make sure it isn’t time for another facial wax.

9. She leans in to you. Hearing loss.

10. She is playful. Oh, come on. Now I have to give up being playful? That’s it, I give up! I’m just going to have to keep on confusing the guys with my beguiling blushing, laughing, chin-rubbing, playful behavior.

I may even start twirling my hair and playing with my jewelry just for fun. Mothers, lock up your middle-aged boys!