New Year’s Resolutions for Women over 50

• Remember: it’s 2013, not 1983.
• Love that little poochy tummy of yours that wasn’t there 10 years ago. It’s a great place for the dog or cat to snuggle.
• Buy an expensive pair of reading glasses to help motivate you not to lose every pair you own.
• Stop shopping in Forever 21.
• Quit whining about weird stuff that aches. Whatever it is will go away in a few days and you’ll just have to move on to the next thing.
• Go ahead and draw on some eyebrows, just don’t make them so arched you perpetually look like you’ve just seen a ghost or George Clooney naked.
• You don’t have to pretend to be a fan of Justin Bieber or One Direction. In fact, it’s kind of creepy if you are.
• Skip the anti-aging cream and smear on some peanut butter. It’s very moisturizing and when you go outside, squirrels will swarm your face and no one will able to see your laugh lines.
• Admit that wearing high heels makes you angry and go buy a pair of comfortable clogs. Your feet (and your calves, thighs, hips and back) have earned the right to enjoy themselves every day.
• Update your professional headshots so you don’t have to try so hard to look like your photo.
• Quit saying, “Back when I was young, when dinosaurs were roaming the earth…” There are enough people who are confused about science.
• Stop volunteering for stuff you don’t have time for. Just because you’re a) over 50, b) a grandmother, c) semi-retired, d) a woman doesn’t mean the words, “Yes, of course I will” always have to spring forth from your lips.
• Take off the body shaper. If you wonder why you can’t remember stuff, it’s because you’re not getting any oxygen to your brain.
• If you draw on lips every morning, be sure you color within the lines. If you can’t see well enough to do that, ask a kindergartner.
• Don’t blame early onset Alzheimers every time you can’t remember something. If you do, the dementia fairy will find you.
• Laugh more and harder. Don’t care if anyone thinks you’re crazy.