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Archive for February, 2013

The Hairy World of Dating

If you think dating is hard work, you should try surfing the world of books on the subject. I recently took a long detour through Amazon.com’s current list of books about dating, relating, mating, and a little bit of hating. It wasn’t just fun and games– I’m working on an e-book that will be available to everyone with a Kindle (fingers, toes, eyes, and legs crossed) next month and I needed ideas for a cover design.

The list is peppered with books for women who want to date older men, younger, men, schlumpy men, metrosexuals, geeky guys, guys with fetishes, commitment phobes, saints, sinners, and god. (I’ve dated guys who thought they were god, so I’m staying away from God, Allah, Buddha, Donald Trump, etc.) There’s even a book called Dating Your Vibrator (it’s a cheap date and requires little to no wine.)

My first thought as I reached page 99 of the list, was why stop there? If you truly believe there’s a cover for every pot–a philosophy I DO NOT ascribe to because I’ve got six pots with no covers in my tiny kitchen–where are the books for women who want to date:

Aliens (if we agree that men are from another planet, why not take that next step?)
Deaf men (what better way to always get the last word?)
Electricians (when the spark wears off at least they can rewire the kitchen)
Elvis impersonators (suggested title: Elvis is in the Bedroom)
Furbies (great for crazy cat ladies)
Ghosts (especially if they act like Patrick Swayze in the movie)
Guys who were kicked off The Bachelorette in the first round
Massage therapists (I could go for one right about now)
Mimes (someone’s got to love them)
Rednecks  (for women who really can’t live without a transmission in the bathtub)
Sasquatch or guys who could pass for him (been there, have the plumbing bills to prove it)

If and when I start dating again, I’m going to need some advice. I learned my dating moves in the 80s. Am I still supposed to flip my hair and lick my lips, or are there emoticons for that? Do we go out or is everything done via text-messaging (if the latter, I may actually be dating because I get texts all the time, but my eyes are too bad to read them, so I just hit delete all.) How much younger does a guy have to be than me in order for me to be considered a cougar? I don’t want to be a cougar–I prefer to be thought of as a puma.

Maybe I’ll stick to reading books about the topic. I don’t have to get dressed up to experience the thrill of victory and the agony of a bad first date. I’ve got a thousand books that can deliver these to me right here at my house.

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Updated Valentine’s Sentiments

o  When I say I love you, I only mean it only slightly ironically.
o  Your texts make my heart vibrate.
o  After we kiss, I don’t wipe my mouth with antibacterial hand wipes.
o  Now that we’re dating, I’ve changed my Facebook relationship status from single to single-ish.
o  You make my heart beat faster. Well, maybe it’s the energy drink.
o  No matter what Autocorect says, I think you’re great.
o  I’d show you how much I love you if not for the recent Botox injections.
o  If we were on a reality show together, I’d never vote you off.
o  Your sex contract doesn’t intimidate me.
o  I retweet everything you tweet. It must be love.
o  You may be a gun-toting conspiracy theorist and I may be a peace-loving hippie… oh, wait, never mind.
o  You make your own sweaters from cat hair and it hasn’t scared me away. There may be something wrong with me.
o  If the world were coming to an end, I’d share my Snuggie with you.
o  You’re like Pinterest. I can’t stop thinking about you.
o  I can’t make you love me, but I can Google Map your house.