A local reporter here in Eugene, OR filed this wonderful story about the real reason I wrote a funny book about dating for single women in a relationship with a dog (or more than one). You can check it out here: http://www.kmtr.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?videoid=4012397.
Leigh Anne Jasheway’s new book, Date Me, Date My Dog: Finding Mr. Right for You and Your Pack is available from Kimberley Cameron & Associates on Amazon for Kindle today! It’s doggone funny, filled with good advice, partial proceeds benefit Greenhill Humane Society in Eugene, Oregon, and smells like chocolate. Okay, maybe not the latter so much 🙂 PLEASE buy a copy, tell all your single dog-loving women friends about it, write a review, or all of the above. http://www.amazon.com/Date-Me-My-Dog-ebook/dp/B00C15TTVS/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1364302749&sr=8-3&
If you think dating is hard work, you should try surfing the world of books on the subject. I recently took a long detour through Amazon.com’s current list of books about dating, relating, mating, and a little bit of hating. It wasn’t just fun and games– I’m working on an e-book that will be available to everyone with a Kindle (fingers, toes, eyes, and legs crossed) next month and I needed ideas for a cover design.
The list is peppered with books for women who want to date older men, younger, men, schlumpy men, metrosexuals, geeky guys, guys with fetishes, commitment phobes, saints, sinners, and god. (I’ve dated guys who thought they were god, so I’m staying away from God, Allah, Buddha, Donald Trump, etc.) There’s even a book called Dating Your Vibrator (it’s a cheap date and requires little to no wine.)
My first thought as I reached page 99 of the list, was why stop there? If you truly believe there’s a cover for every pot–a philosophy I DO NOT ascribe to because I’ve got six pots with no covers in my tiny kitchen–where are the books for women who want to date:
Aliens (if we agree that men are from another planet, why not take that next step?)
Deaf men (what better way to always get the last word?)
Electricians (when the spark wears off at least they can rewire the kitchen)
Elvis impersonators (suggested title: Elvis is in the Bedroom)
Furbies (great for crazy cat ladies)
Ghosts (especially if they act like Patrick Swayze in the movie)
Guys who were kicked off The Bachelorette in the first round
Massage therapists (I could go for one right about now)
Mimes (someone’s got to love them)
Rednecks (for women who really can’t live without a transmission in the bathtub)
Sasquatch or guys who could pass for him (been there, have the plumbing bills to prove it)
If and when I start dating again, I’m going to need some advice. I learned my dating moves in the 80s. Am I still supposed to flip my hair and lick my lips, or are there emoticons for that? Do we go out or is everything done via text-messaging (if the latter, I may actually be dating because I get texts all the time, but my eyes are too bad to read them, so I just hit delete all.) How much younger does a guy have to be than me in order for me to be considered a cougar? I don’t want to be a cougar–I prefer to be thought of as a puma.
Maybe I’ll stick to reading books about the topic. I don’t have to get dressed up to experience the thrill of victory and the agony of a bad first date. I’ve got a thousand books that can deliver these to me right here at my house.
o When I say I love you, I only mean it only slightly ironically.
o Your texts make my heart vibrate.
o After we kiss, I don’t wipe my mouth with antibacterial hand wipes.
o Now that we’re dating, I’ve changed my Facebook relationship status from single to single-ish.
o You make my heart beat faster. Well, maybe it’s the energy drink.
o No matter what Autocorect says, I think you’re great.
o I’d show you how much I love you if not for the recent Botox injections.
o If we were on a reality show together, I’d never vote you off.
o Your sex contract doesn’t intimidate me.
o I retweet everything you tweet. It must be love.
o You may be a gun-toting conspiracy theorist and I may be a peace-loving hippie… oh, wait, never mind.
o You make your own sweaters from cat hair and it hasn’t scared me away. There may be something wrong with me.
o If the world were coming to an end, I’d share my Snuggie with you.
o You’re like Pinterest. I can’t stop thinking about you.
o I can’t make you love me, but I can Google Map your house.
As a humor writer, I do a lot of “research.” Sometimes I need to know Lady Gaga’s shoe size and other times I want to be sure I spelled Dominique Strauss-Kahn correctly. Thank you Google!
Yesterday, in my never-ending quest for knowledge I found a website called How To Know If A Girl Is Interested In You. So I decided to check it out.
A little backstory may be necessary here. You see, I swore off dating and relationships soon after my latest divorce two years ago. It’s just so much easier to go to the airport and get patted down. Especially now that they’re so thorough and even the first time with a new TSA agent is like a third date.
Dating is difficult at my age. If I date anyone younger, I’m called a cougar, which annoys me. I prefer “puma,” it sounds faster and thinner. But men my age seem to want either a college cheerleader type for arm candy or a woman their own age who is willing to be their companion as they move into their senior years. And I’m just not ready to put that cheerleader outfit on again.
But for some reason, I put out signals that say I’m interested. I’m not sure what those signals are because I’ve avoided all the tricks I used when I was looking for a man. I don’t bat my eyelashes (primarily because there are so few of them), lick my lips (my organic free-range lip gloss is too expensive to waste), twirl my hair, put my hand on a man’s arm or knee, or wear a sandwich sign that says, “Take me home and have your way with me.”
I thought maybe the website could show me what I’ve been doing that tells guys I’m into them. And am I glad I did! Here are some of the things I’ve been doing that according to the website’s author are signals that a girl is interested. I share this with you as a public service, in case you too have been sending the wrong signals without knowing it.
A girl is interested in you when…
1. She re-initiates conversation when you stop talking. Oh, I’m so busted! I always jump right in and hold up my end of a conversation because I find long uncomfortable silence, well, uncomfortable. I’d rather wear thong panties than sit quietly waiting for anyone to find a new topic to discuss.
2. She doesn’t mention her boyfriend. Usually I avoid doing this because I can never remember who the last TSA agent to pat me down was. It’s more of a memory issue than keeping him (or her) a secret.
3. She asks for your name. Really? Damn my southern upbringing. I was taught it was polite to not only ask for someone’s name, but to repeat it until you remembered. Well, I’m going to stop this behavior pronto!
4. She uses nicknames for you. Well see, that’s what I have to resort to when I don’t know your name, Skippy. Which is why #3 is going to be hard for me to give up if I also have to give up #4.
5. Her skin tone becomes red while being around you. Hey, that’s not fair. IÂ blush easily and turn red when drunk, aerobic, or laughing. And I’m usually at least one of those things most of the time.
6. She laughs while talking to you. Okay, this is a problem. I laugh while talking to anyone, including myself — and I’m not that interested in myself.
7. She exposes the palms of her hands. Usually I only do this when I’m confused or asking for money, so I think I’m safe here.
8. She rubs her chin or touches her cheek. This should not apply to middle-aged women because we could be checking to make sure it isn’t time for another facial wax.
9. She leans in to you. Hearing loss.
10. She is playful. Oh, come on. Now I have to give up being playful? That’s it, I give up! I’m just going to have to keep on confusing the guys with my beguiling blushing, laughing, chin-rubbing, playful behavior.
I may even start twirling my hair and playing with my jewelry just for fun. Mothers, lock up your middle-aged boys!
accidentalcomic
accidentalcomic 
Written
on March 26, 2013