New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep

Let’s face it – chances that you’ll break most, if not all, of your New Year’s resolutions by mid January are as high as chances that Donald Trump will lie in the next three minutes. This is likely because you always set the bar too high, promising once again to eat more kale (because you read on Facebook that kale will make you poop normally again), lose 417 lbs. by Valentine’s Day, and stop spending money on frivolous items such rent and electricity.

One of the best things that comes with getting older (besides no longer caring if my eyebrows have taken on a life of their own) is having a better understanding of who I am and what my limitations are. A few years ago (or perhaps decades, I can’t really remember), I started coming up with resolutions that I was likely to be able to stick to. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have the willpower of a dachshund with a cookie on her nose. In fact, not putting cookies on my nose was one of the first New Year’s resolutions I was able to keep for an entire year!

Now when I set goals for myself at the beginning of each year, my first question is, “Is this something I—someone who has created more new life forms on rotting vegetables in the back of her refrigerator than any genetic engineer and who has hung laundry from every piece of home exercise equipment ever sold in an infomercial—can reasonable achieve this year?” If you adopt this same strategy, I think you’ll be able to end 2019 on a high note, knowing that you were able to successful achieve your resolutions. In fact, I’ll share a few with you to get you started:

I resolve to:

• Find more creative excuses for being late to parties;
• Go to more parties;
• Learn to curse in sign language;
• Close the front door before calling politicians and yelling at them;
• Stop eating stuff left behind at a restaurant by strangers at the next table even if it looks yummy;
• Never send an e-mail before my third cup of coffee;
• Stop texting anyone I’m in the same room with;
• Wear comfortable shoes to my next protest march;
• Quit lying to the dental hygienist about how often I floss my teeth;
• Stop using straws and learn how to drink out of a cup (or get a sippy cup, in a pinch);
• Not marry anyone (especially important if you are currently married);
• Resist ordering products I see on TV that have the word “pajama” or “lazy” in them, even if they are for dogs, pigs or goats;
• Put up curtains in that one window in the bedroom that faces the neighbors’ house;
• Read more than just the comments section on Twitter;
• Stop licking my paws after every meal. Oops, that one is for the dogs…
• Work less, play more, make real time for real friends, savor what I eat, get more sleep, and be the most fun I ever had.

Okay, now you add your own. Just make sure to keep the bar low.